Day 5: reset boundaries
September is when we get back into routines, which can be nice. Predictability can make the days easier. But it is also when we start to get overwhelmed with options and activities for ourselves and our families. Suddenly, you look at your calendar and it is jam packed with things and you aren’t sure how it happened!
Sometimes the problem isn't that we have too much to do. It's that we've said yes to too many things without stopping to ask whether we actually have the capacity or desire to do them. There are always going to be obligations that aren’t our favorite. But there are also things we add to our schedule/calendar that we say yes to because we are afraid to say no. Not because we want to do them. Not because we HAVE to do them. But because we fear things like rejection, being judged, or not looking a certain way.
If this sounds like you, then you might need a boundary reset - this is what we are doing on Day 5 of the Back to You Challenge. This isn’t saying “no” to everything, it doesn’t mean you have to make yourself completely unavailable, and it doesn’t mean you are selfish. It just means that you are taking a second look at what you have agreed to and making some adjustments.
What Is a Boundary?
Boundaries are always about you, not about other people.
A boundary is about:
What you are willing to do vs What you are not willing to do.
What you have the capacity for.
How you want to be treated.
What you will do when a boundary isn't respected.
A boundary is about your behavior and choices…not controlling someone else's behavior.
Why Do We Say Yes When We Mean No?
When you spent time on Day 2 letting go, you were asked to reflect on the “shoulds.” Shoulds are what make us push or ignore our boundaries. Guilt, fear of disappointing others, avoiding conflict, and habit are some of the reasons why we say “yes” when we want to say “no.”
“I should help.”
“I should be available.”
“I should be able to handle it.”
“I should say yes because they need me.”
Look Back at Your Day 1 Check-In
Here on day 5 we are going to connect all the work you have done so far.
Look at your Day 1 ratings:
Low Energy: Are you overcommitted or giving more time and energy than you have?
High Stress: Are too many responsibilities competing for your attention?
Low Mood: Are you spending so much time meeting obligations that there is little room for things that bring you joy or connection?
Relationship Strain: Are there relationships where you consistently give more than you receive or where you don't feel respected?
Low Overall Satisfaction: Does your current life reflect what you actually value?
Where might a boundary help?
What Does a Boundary Actually Look Like?
I have been talking about the importance of being specific throughout this challenge. With boundary setting, we really need to be specific. Here are some examples of specific boundaries based on certain areas you might be looking to improve.
Time
“I can't stay late today.”
“I need more notice before I commit to something.”
Work
“I'm not available to respond to emails after work hours.”
“I don't have capacity to take on another project right now.”
Family
“We're not able to attend this weekend.”
“I won't be able to take care of that this time.”
Friendships
“I don't have the energy to go out tonight, but I'd love to catch up another day.”
“I would love to see you. But can we do X instead”
Parenting
“I can help with that after I finish what I'm doing.”
“I need 30 minutes to myself before I can help.”
Emotional boundaries
“I care about you, but I can't be the person who processes this with you every night.”
You Don't Have to Over-Explain Your No
When we say no to something, we tend to over-explain the reasoning. This is particularly true of women, who run around saying “sorry” for things that don’t require it. You say “no I can’t get coffee today” and follow-it with a monologue the length of the movie Titanic. And down your boundary goes with the ship.
“No” → explanation → apology → additional explanation → guilt
This over-explanation routine sometimes ends in making different plans that you ALSO don’t want, big lies to make it seem like you REALLY can’t do something, or in you still doing the thing you were trying to say no to.
We all need to practice keeping it simple!
“I won't be able to do that.”
“That doesn't work for me.”
“I'm not available.”
“I've decided not to take that on.”
You can acknowledge that this may feel uncomfortable at first. And if there is a follow-up from the other person, continue keeping it short and sweet.
“I won’t be able to do that. I have other commitments with my family.”
“I won’t make it to that happy hour because I need to get home to my children.”
“I have decided not to take the volunteer position on the board. I won’t be able to devote the time I need to it and wouldn’t be fair to the other board members.”
Feeling guilty doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.
It might just mean you're doing something unfamiliar.
Start Small
Start by choosing one boundary. If you try to set all of the boundaries at once you will get overwhelmed and avoid doing it all together.
Choose one.
Look for something that:
Consistently drains you.
Creates resentment.
Takes time you don't have.
Violates something important to you.
You repeatedly agree to and regret afterward.
Then decide what you want to do differently.
And remember, just because you have “always” done something, does not mean that you have to continue doing it.
Today's Challenge
Here are the questions to help you figure out where to start:
Where am I saying yes when I really mean no?
What boundary could I strengthen this month?
What will I say or do differently the next time this situation comes up?
A Reminder About Boundaries
Setting boundaries is HARD! Here are some important reminders:
Someone may not like your boundary.
Someone may question it.
Someone may be disappointed.
Someone may even accuse you of being selfish.
That doesn't automatically mean the boundary is wrong. Or that what those people are saying is true.
Other people's reactions are not always proof that you've done something wrong.
As a matter of fact, I would argue that in many cases, if someone really fights you on a boundary, you have probably made a good choice.
Make Room for What Matters
This challenge is all about feeling like yourself again. Not the overscheduled, hyperactive, “I can do it all” you. The “I am doing the things I need to do to feel happy and successful” you.
You've spent the first few days:
Checking in.
Identifying what you want to let go of.
Making space.
Naming your needs.
Now you're asking:
Does the way I'm spending my time and energy actually support those things?
Because once you start looking at your boundaries, you may realize that you can't make everything a priority. And that's exactly what we're tackling tomorrow: choosing what actually matters.
Today’s prompt: What is one boundary I can strengthen this month?
Don’t forget to grab the free workbook to work through the daily prompts.
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