Day 4: Name your needs

Day 4 is about communication. We got to the thing (what you want to change), we let go of what was holding us back from making the change, and we figured out specifically what you are making room for. Now, how do you let others know “Hey! I’m making space over here!”

Many people avoid healthy communication of their needs. Women in particular are socialized to recognize everyone else’s needs before their own. As a matter of fact, lack of communication is probably how you get to feeling the way you are feeling in the first place. We would often rather suffer and struggle than say “I need help” or “I need a break.”  We feel the need to “tough it out.”  But this is not healthy. It is tough to know exactly what it is that we need, but now you have figured it out (in days 1-3). Knowing something is off is one thing, identifying what it is and communicating that is another. 

woman with bullhorn

Why is it so hard to ask for what you need?

We all have emotional, physical, relational needs related to the various areas of our life (personal, professional, parenting, etc). Needing time for self-care, or quiet, or creativity, or sleep IS NOT unreasonable or selfish. It is basic human survival.  

From a feminist perspective, this is all about socialization and patriarchy. Women learn to be the responsible and “caring” ones. To avoid being an inconvenience or seeming “needy.”  The idea that other people’s needs are more important than our own, is reinforced over and over again. Then we get used to functioning without the support we actually need. We don’t want to ask for it. We assume that if it is bad enough, someone will notice and then offer support. But that isn’t usually how it happens. 

There is a difference between “I don't need anything” vs. “I've gotten really good at functioning without asking for anything.”

Going back to your Day 1 ratings

Energy
Could the need be rest, sleep, help, or less responsibility?

Stress
Could the need be fewer commitments, clearer boundaries, organization, or support?

Mood
Could the need be connection, joy, meaningful activity, professional support, or time to process emotions?

Relationships
Could the need be affection, communication, quality time, reassurance, respect, or a stronger boundary?

Overall Satisfaction
Could the bigger issue be that something important has been pushed to the bottom of the priority list?

What are you craving more of?

What are you tired of dealing with?

What feels like it is missing right now?

Where do you feel resentful?

Where do you wish someone would help you?

What do you wish someone would notice?

Needs and Expectations

From “I need…” to “I need you to…”

I keep talking about the importance of BEING SPECIFIC. I know some of the language throughout the challenge may have seemed flowery or woo-woo. So I am going to be direct here and show you the difference between identifying a need and letting it sit on paper and ACTUALLY communicating it.

Need: I need more support.
Communication: “I need you to take over bedtime two nights a week.”

Need: I need connection.
Communication: “I want us to have an evening together without our phones.”

Need: I need rest.
Communication: “I need an hour Saturday morning where I am not responsible for anyone else.”

Need: I need to feel heard.
Communication: “I don't need you to solve this. I need you to listen.”

You can ask and someone can still say no. Communication doesn’t mean that someone will understand or meet the need. Their response is not something that is within your control. But it does give you information about them and you can decide what you want to do with that information. This is true of anyone you are communicating with, not just partners/spouses. This may lead to a compromise or further conversation. It may also lead to you having to set a boundary (soft launch of Day 5 here). 

There is a difference between a need and an expectation. Self-awareness is great but expectating mind-reading is not going to get you very far. 

Need: “I need to feel respected in my relationship.”

Expectation: “My partner should automatically know exactly what I need without me saying it.”

Need: “I need time to rest.”

Expectation: “Someone else should notice I'm overwhelmed and offer to help.”

Today’s prompt: What is one need I can communicate instead of hoping someone will notice?

The end result might sound something like 

Right now, I need____________________.

One way I can communicate or act on this need is_______.

Remember, this isn’t selfish - it is necessary. Give as much attention to your life, as you do to the lives of those around you. 

Don’t forget to grab the free workbook to work through the daily prompts. 

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